Clearly I have failed.

My "New Years resolution" this year was to start blogging more. I think I set the goal of once a week for myself... and clearly I have failed. I think I've written three times in 6 months, which is terrible. Honestly, I am so busy all the time that I just don't have time to sit down and blog. I wish I did. Maybe I would feel less conflicted and unhappy if I got out the little day to day thoughts that pop up. Oh well.

I feel like it's more hectic and crazy than ever around the house. Older child is a complete and total mess.. I am pretty much at my wits end with her and her behavior issues. I've tried time and time again to help her, but nothing clicks for her. She is always going to do exactly what SHE wants to do and no kind of punishment or positive reinforcement or privilege being taken away is going to change that. I can't do it anymore. I've been hearing "I'm going to start being good!" for the last 4 years and I am just over it. Everyone in the house has to be punished because this one child can't get her act together. Now the younger child has starting acting out as well. Something has to happen and change or I don't know what will happen. Sometimes I really just want to go away and not deal with any of it anymore. I'm exhausted and there has to be a break soon or I'm going to break.

brick walled

Things have been so up and down lately. I'm so frustrated over it.

This past week I was scheduled Mon - Thursday. I went in Friday and spent about 6 1/2 hours at work (ON MY DAY OFF). I called Steven at 5:30 to let him know I would be ready to go soon. He said he was by the mall (a mile or less from my work) and that he would be there at 6. So 6:00 rolled around and I called him again to see where he was. He told me he was on the other side of town, by the house. I was just like... WTF. He knew I was getting off work but went and ran his "friend" all over town instead of coming to pick me up on time. So I told him I was going to walk home. Did he care at all? Nope. So I'm walking home, in the dark, wearing black pants and a black jacket... in the dark. About half way he picks me up and starts SCREAMING at me. AT ME!!! Like I did something wrong! Excuse me if I don't want to stand around my job after I just spent all day on my day off there. Amiright? So I get out of the car and start walking again.. I am not going to be screamed at for being mad because someone else wasn't where they said they were going to be when they said they were going to be there, to pick me up in my own car.

So eventually I made it home without being kidnapped, pimpnapped, or ran over by a car. I got home and he was on the phone. The kids told me that he said "Let her walk." That to me speaks volumes by itself regarding how much someone really cares. He was more concerned with taking his friend all over town but couldn't even make it the 2/3 of a mile it is from the mall to my office. He claimed he came to look for me, but I don't believe it for one minute. He said he got back home 5 minutes before I got there... but if that was true he would have seen me because I would have been walking in the neighborhood or damn near close to it.

I feel like this is a big breaking point. He still doesn't see where he did anything wrong at all. "I didn't tell you to walk.", he says.

There are some issues in our 5 year relationship that need to be addressed and handled or it's just going to be over. He will take no responsibility for anything that is wrong, everything is everyone else's fault. When I start to talk about something that is bothering me, he denies any wrongdoing at all. I don't even want to talk to him anymore, about anything. I have never allowed anyone to ever disrespect me the way he has over the years. From allowing his friends to curse me up and down on the phone to making me wait to be picked up in my own vehicle. He is an extremely selfish person in reality but makes all the claims that he puts everyone in front of him. I can't keep doing this. I try to discuss things and try to fix things but I get so frustrated when he just denies everything and turns everything around to be all my fault.

I am so thoroughly disgusted by him at this point, I would be ok if I never had to see him again. It would be hard to start over and be a single parent again, but he thinks in his own mind that it's impossible and I will never survive without him. I am a decent person and I am a strong person. I just expect to be respected by the person that I share my life with.

cough cough

Post #2 of the new year :) We had a "big" ice and snow storm here last week... it was fun for the first day or two but now the novelty is wearing off. The kids had fun and played out in it off and on the first day. The next day Carter felt under the weather and he spent most of the day lounging on the couch watching TV and playing on his iPad. Luckily he felt much better after a day of rest and some Tylenol. But... no good deed goes unpunished, as we all know. The next day (Friday) I went to work and felt a little tickle in my throat, but otherwise felt fine. Saturday though, was a completely different story. By Saturday morning, Steven and I both felt like we had been run over by a plow truck. That feeling lasted for three whole days.. it was miserable. Neither of us really even moved for those three days, except to go from the bed to our respectable chairs in the living room. It truly was miserable. That was over a week ago and I'm back at work now but I have this miserable, wretched cough that just.won't.stop. I suppose it's better than days of fevers and hot/cold and feeling as if there's an elephant sitting on my chest.

Till next time, y'all! :)

another year, another blog

2013 is finally gone and 2014 is here. This year I would like to blog more and get my thoughts and feelings out more. Ideally, I would like to make at least one blog post a week. This might be a little hard since Blogger doesn't work on my tablet. Oh well. Anyways, we will consider this Post #1 for 2014.